my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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