the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
