She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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