I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
