my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
