I puked a lego.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
