The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
