There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
