a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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