JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
