are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
