im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
