I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Randomize
