I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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