My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
