and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
