I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
