I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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