How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
