The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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