Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
