Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
