at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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