My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
