is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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