Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
the liver wants what the liver wants
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
