you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
