Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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