I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
This baby is an asshole
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
