highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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