Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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