We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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