if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
