The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
How does one acquire holy water?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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