Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
