You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
