I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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