Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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