y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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