matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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