I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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