I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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