And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize