just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My pussy is not your playground.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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