dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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