your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
