3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
