Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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