i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
