I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
