Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
