its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
