you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
