the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
