I'm lost and stupid without you.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
