she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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