i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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