I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
