He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
