So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
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