Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
