Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Every concussion has its silver lining
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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