1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
is wine microwaveable?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
